Toilet paper crisis calls for creative, historic substitutions [APRIL FOOLS EDITION]

Editor’s Note: This “article” is from our 2020 April Fool’s Day edition of Pacer Times. It is satirical and is not meant to be taken as real news.

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Since the coronavirus pandemic materialized here nearly three weeks ago, panic buying of toilet paper has emptied store shelves creating in many minds an imaginary TP crisis easily eased with some history and creativity.  

Modern toilet paper in a box was developed and marketed here in the US in the mid 19th century by Joseph Gayetty. Alternative measures have been popular with people the world over for thousands of years.

Likely the oldest means of wiping was with the hand, and that method is certain to reinforce the worldwide need for frequent and thorough hand washing in deference to the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Students of ancient history might be aware of the Romans use of a communal sponge on a stick soaked in salt water or vinegar in bathhouses. 

Even today, in the Greek Islands, toilet tissue is collected and not flushed due to size constraints of the plumbing.

As necessity called for invention, all manner of materials found their way around the backsides of people including, leaves, grass, fruit skins, seashells, stone, sand, moss, snow and water.

The classic means for Colonial Americans was the corn cob. Latter day Americans would reach for a page from a newspaper, magazine or catalog. The time for saving corn cobs has returned.

What plans do you have for those out of date syllabi?